DWTS season 35 premiere recap: Only two men escaped prayer app Mark Wahlberg energy

For our glorious return to the Dancing with the Stars ballroom, my friends and I pulled out all the stops. A viewing party with homemade treats! A disco ball adorning the ceiling! Hell, as I type this, I’m wearing a Dollar Store headband covered in mirror balls. Subtlety went out the window, the best reality competition show is back!

With the excitement at an all-time high after last season’s miraculous return to ratings glory, it isn’t promising looking at tonight’s episode being delivered like a lukewarm bowl of Cream of Wheat.

Something just didn’t feel right with me and, frankly, the men are to blame. As the part one of a two-part premiere “event,” the male celebrities took center stage to make their mark as the one to beat during the competition. They all aimed to be Marky Mark, but sort of just presented prayer app Mark Wahlberg.

This is a lot of negativity to start, especially for a show I would sell my left testie to watch in-person, but the men entered the competition with a resounding thud.

I should’ve known from the moment the episode began with a Savannah Banana. My hatred for the Savannah Bananas knows no bounds, and Jackson Olson (paired with Emma Slater, who finally has a partner for whom she can actually choreograph decent routines) immediately added fuel to the fire by remaining bitter he was never chosen for the MLB. 

The ridiculous “baseball” team, which feels like a large-scale industry plant situation, has indoctrinated him in such a way that he can’t avoid badly lip syncing to any song he hears, which was more than evident during his unremarkable cha cha.

Mediocrity continued throughout the night, from Tyler Cameron’s forgetful tango to Connor Wood’s totally passable cha cha. (Wood does feel like he could be this season’s Dylan Efron, however, so I’m holding out hope for him.) 

The crowd cheered at Guillermo Rodriguez’s painfully sweet cha cha that had no content, no musicality, and no sense of place. I’m worried he lost the sack race the the Jimmy Kimmel Live summer field day and this was his punishment, because while the most delightful man to ever walk the face of the earth, it looks like his partner Witney Carson is gonna go full Of Mice and Men on him if he’s not careful. Just look at the rabbits, Guillermo!

However, the crowd (and rightfully so) jeered at Conner Leavitt’s cringe-filled salsa. His partner Adele, who just won DWTS: The Next Pro, looked like she was willing to give up the win and let second place take it from the moment he stepped onto the floor.

Conner’s movement evoked that of a maimed gazelle with hair plugs tromping around in Zara Outlet top. It was atrocious.

Luckily, America chose correctly and sent him home. (Whitney Leavitt was in the audience, only looking moderately bummed, as she knows it will be easier to rehearse for her next Broadway gig in Just in Time without having to travel back to Los Angeles.)

The only two standouts were Harry Shum Jr., whose dance background hindered his ability to fully embrace the ballroom technique, and Ezra Frech, who has the added benefit of Daniella Karagach’s remarkable, MENSA-level mind to perfectly choreograph for him.

Now, with only eight performances tonight and online voting going down, the show claims that voting was double that of last season’s premiere. That is fantastic news and shows that last season doesn’t seem to be a flash in the pan.

Yet if the women don’t provide the goods tomorrow, I’m worried how many of the show’s fans will want to stick around.

Some stray sequins:

• The brand integration tonight was everywhere tonight in a way I haven’t seen since the results shows of yesteryear (RIP Macy’s Stars of Dance). Sephora sponsors the makeup room (sort of makes sense), while Paris Baguette sponsored an original number choreographed by Julianne Hough where she wears a ballet flat and capri pants (makes no sense at all).
• Taylor Hansen, who performed a fine, if unmemorable, quickstep tonight received the greatest critique of the night from Carrie Ann who shared that Len would’ve called that “a proper quickstep.” Reader, I smiled.
• Speaking of judges, Derek “EXTRA!” Hough needs to calm it down with the brooches and look up some better notes on how to critique. His sentences are made up exclusively of roundabouts, always sort of saying the same things to every performer. 
• The opening number was fabulous and scored by Robyn, so gay.
• Ezra Sosa, it didn’t happen last season, but I’d still be honored to take you on a date, mkay?

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