On DWTS 35, let’s Old Yeller the Guillermo vote and boring pro-pro couples

I’m trying to come to terms with my disdain for the professional dancing “stars” this season on Dancing with the Stars, and I can’t seem to put my finger on it.

In past seasons, I’ve never been outwardly perturbed by celebrities who have dance experience competing on the show. Hell, I’m a Charli D’Amelio defender from the old country. Yet, something about Harry Shum Jr. and Jenna Dewan this season leave me feeling…nothing.

As I was watching tonight’s episode, Mariah Carey Night, which featured a true lack of butterfly adornments within the ballroom, I think the crux of my issue stems from the professionals they are paired with, unfortunately.

Now, I love me some Val Chmerkovskiy and I love me some Jenna Johnson. However, with their respective partners being dancing professionals, they seem like they have little to prove as teachers and individuals. Instead of working towards exponential growth and providing interesting choreography, I have found every dance astoundingly “blah.”

Is the quality of movement noticeable from space? Absolutely. Yet, the dances are devoid of soul. 

For example, Harry and Jenna performed a tango to a song sung by Amber Riley (his former Glee costar and Mirrorball Trophy winner). In the pre-tape, Harry mentioned he was a dancer for Mariah’s original music video, then added the excuse of “I’m working a lot more on Grey’s, so we’ll have to practice in my trailer.” It’s almost as if the production is trying to hype him up because the audience isn’t feeling it. The following tango was technically fine, but still included a bizarre solo moment that echoed this cultural touchstone.

Later, Jenna and Val performed a technically exquisite rumba left me bored. Maybe it says something more about me and my current mental health that it was a snooze fest in my eyes; however, Val looks equally bored. As an adamant viewer, it feels like Val is more engaged when he has a true student and not an equal.

Speaking of not being an equal, I’m now turning my attention to you, the casual viewer and my beloved reader. Most of you, I assume, are of sound body and mind, making accurate and productive use of your votes every week. However, going into the fifth week of competition, if I see a single one of you vote for Guillermo, I’m going to have to take you out back and pull an Old Yeller. 

What Guillermo is providing the competition is of no use to anyone. His weekly shock at remaining in the competition isn’t that of Andy Richter, who enjoyed his time; it’s utter shock that he must continue. Andy’s scores at least grew from week to week as he continued to try and improve. Witney is equally shocked, I assume she keeps having to dance pregnant.

Listen, Ciara and Brandon leaving the ballroom this week proves the overwhelming theory that you need to pair improved dancing with a strong personality. As much as I loved seeing Ciara’s confidence grow every week, her performances and energy were quite forgettable. You need the pair to succeed (other than each season’s token Sanjaya-equivalent), and in the case of Ciara, show only had improvement.

However, the improvement is clearly showing throughout the cast. In the case of my beloved Julia and Ezra, it felt that they were even underscored for her gorgeous Viennese Waltz. Carrie Ann called it her breakthrough, but must a breakthrough be only a 21? Especially when Tyler’s lifting-Sharna-in-various-ways foxtrot received the same?

I digress, but I must admit, the pain in every elimination remains. This is such a strong cast and I hate to see anyone go, but so help me god if my sweet Julia goes before Guillermo? Even Old Yeller and Len Goodman will hear my wrath.

Some stray sequins:

• Mariah Carey just confirmed that the single-artist theme is when the show fires on all cylinders. Swift, Buble, and Prince have all been fab prior. After Mariah, who shall we have next season? Can we have “brat” night?!
• The Olipop product placement is starting to make me laugh my ass off. It’s so obvious and made even better when one drink had a fruit garnish nearby. For an Olipop? Be so for real.
• Ezra Frech’s rumba was gorgeous, but his makeup? Give that artist an Emmy! Superb work!
• Huge news for the DWTS Tour: The renewed success of the show is allowing them to, once again, perform in arenas. They had moved to smaller theaters the past decade or so, but the audiences are back, baby!
• Ezra Sosa revealed on TikTok he was friend-zoned this week, which is devastating, ‘cause I would never do that to him. Just one date, please!

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