Below Deck 13 episode 5: On no, Moe!

“I’m too old for this shit,” Moe said as drunk bosun Alex and drunk deckhand Matt exchanged childish insults that included Matt saying, “You’re not the boss of me” and citing God and his mother as his only two bosses.

Too old for this indeed. The irony of the two guys who ran away from the drunk people getting drunk and then insulting women and each other—basically the same thing the dock drunks were doing—is too much.

So thank you, Moe, for saying that, and for single-handedly saving this rough season for me.

Whether he’s dancing in the kitchen with the stews or encouraging people to just have fun with each other, he seems like a great coworker. Moe’s making outstanding food and not taking things so seriously, and that’s lovely to watch.

Oh, and then there was his conversation with his daughter, in which he said the most relatable thing for me: “I’m not taking my shirt off on this boat,” he said. “I change in the bathroom. You should see these guys over here, all chiseled up, all muscles, and I’m over here, pure flab.”

Flab in the body and a solid brain are vastly preferable to a rock-hard body with a flabby, empty brain. Alas, that’s most of the rest of the crew.

I’ve been concerned about how much airtime Moe has been getting so far in Below Deck season 13, thinking that means he’ll be leaving early.

That accelerated this episode—yet not because of the dock confrontation! That was one of those Below Deck teasers/cliffhangers that goes absolutely nowhere beyond the teaser.

The most notable part is how big tough men Matt and Alex ran ahead of everyone, while Fraser, Moe, Rosa, and Kaylee hung back to ward off the two drunk, obnoxious people, because I guess Below Deck doesn’t have security? They can’t even afford a boat that can be started four times in a row, so I guess not.

Rosa then talked Moe out of destroying one of them, which is definitely the smarter course of action, even if it’s less cathartic.

While Moe didn’t kick any ass or get kicked off the boat, he remained the focus of this episode, despite its title being “Knot So Innocent.”

Later, Captain Kerry told Fraser they “need Moe to find his mojo” and even told the deck crew, “Let’s help the chef. He’s on a back foot right now.” You know if Kerry is asking that group of incompetent buffoons to help that something must really be wrong.

I haven’t gotten the sense that Moe is on a back foot. Sure, he forgot noodles. But beyond that, everyone seems pretty thrilled with his food or have been impossible-to-please monsters. (The strawberry jam situation, when Fraser insisted upon it and served it and didn’t notice, is not just on Moe.)

Kerry then told Moe that his last chef “just fell apart.” Way to motivate your crew! Kerry told us that Moe’s the most “easy going chef I’ve worked with” but “often when people are easy going, they explode.”

Is that an interview recorded after Moe explodes, so Kerry knows what’s coming and/or is foreshadowing to help the narrative? Or is he projecting?

The cliffhanger for this episode was Moe admitting that it’s tough. “This is way more difficult than I expected it to be,” Moe told Fraser in their cabin. “I’m trying to hold on because I don’t want to quit.”

Fraser is worried for Moe because—and I’m sure you saw this coming before he even said it—”I get fucked.” Totally true! If Moe leaves, Fraser will have to do the very hard work of telling Rainbeau that her duties now include cooking.

And even if Moe doesn’t quit, Fraser now has to go around the crew and spread gossip in the third person, because that’s Fraser’s job now that he delegated all the work to Rainbeau in the hopes she’ll collapse. Let’s all be a little bit delicate with our requests, because a grumpy kitchen mouse is thinking you’re treating his galley like a drive-thru, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, take the first two letters of MOUSE and you’ll know who we will be turning against.

I don’t think I can handle this season without Moe as a grounding force, because without him, we’re left with Love Island Light nonsense like this:

• “Do you think you’re in love with me?” Kaylee asked Matt, who responded by throwing a tantrum, pouting at the table, and snapping at the server “I’m fucking starving.” Repeatedly at dinner, Moe tried to calm Matt (“bro”), and I kept hoping he was about to pull out his belt and teach Matt a lesson.
• Kaylee said “every single guy that I’ve liked is so fucking toxic.” Could that still be true?! And will she forgive Matt, too? Of course! “Am I going to judge him for being drunk and a dick?” No! Because he’s the only option for dick, apparently.
• Kaylee briefly showed off her game in an attempt to get Matt jealous, I guess. She walked up to a group at a club and said, “What the fuck are you guys doing? Should we hook up?”
• Matt said that, although Kaylee taking their relationship from sex to retirement plans in about 30 seconds worries him, “I’d rather just say what she wants to hear.” That is the Below Deck fuckboy playbook.
• James and Rosa made out, because there’s no one left.
• Rosa admitted to being “a little bit threatened” by Rainbeau talking to and dancing with Matt. I was on Rainbeau’s side through this great line: “Do I now have to walk around with at rash bag over my head because you’re insecure?” but she lost me when she said, “I’m sorry you don’t think you can compete with me.” Oh, so Rainbeau is trying to steal her man.
• “Once you find someone with that great a connection, I don’t think you should let go easily,” Kaylee said about this man:

Yes, Matt continues to be the worst. “Once you’ve done yachting for six years, then you can tell me stuff,” Matt barked while demonstrating how to roll a towel and doing that on the ground.

Those are the standards and smarts we get from a person who bragged to his hookup, “You know my IQ? I’m in the top 7 percent of the world.” Yes, I’m sure that’s what that the BuzzFeed quiz said.

Matt admitted “I’m trying to steal [Alex’s] job,” and Alex is dealing with Matt and Matt’s drunken disrespect by, um, trying to bond with him and turn against the other deckies. “James and Sen are a little bit sensitive. Especially Sen,” Alex said. Um, did we see who couldn’t even be polite to a server at dinner? Who’s sensitive here?

This is all very depressing, and then on comes a new charter: a primary guest, Janessa, whose husband died! And wants to make the charter about remembering him. I can’t imagine the pain of losing your partner, but also by the time she said he would have liked the food she was eating, I was thinking that maybe this is way too soon to be taking this trip on national television.

Thankfully, Janessa brought along Paris and Madison, who explained they’re aboard because “our parents are both friends with her.” I’m not sure how old they Paris and Madison are, since they requested pasta, pizza, chicken nuggets on their preference sheets. They fit it in here on Below Deck, because all of this is very juvenile, and that’s why I need Moe to stay.

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