[Two Pronged] I left my husband over his secret cross-dressing — and took the blame for the breakup

Our letter sender endured seven broken promises before finally walking out on her husband's secret cross-dressing. But now, she faces a new dilemma: is it time to tell her family and friends the truth?

AT A GLANCE

• Emma left her husband after 21 years of marriage due to his repeated broken promises to stop cross-dressing, which she found unacceptable and hurtful.
• Despite her husband's attempts to reconcile and promises of change, Emma remains resolute in her decision to leave, as she sees no evidence of change in his behavior.
• Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer advise Emma to consider sharing the truth about her reasons for leaving with close friends and family to alleviate misunderstandings and criticism.

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Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I was married to my husband for 20 years. We have 2 children together, both girls. Both girls have also graduated with AB degrees and both want to be lawyers like my husband is. 

He is a very good provider. I also work as a professional, but I realize I would not be able to work part time the way I do if I were not married to him. I would have to work full time to support myself.

There is no other man in my life, so you might wonder why I left him. Many of my friends wonder — including my own parents and siblings, which hurt the most.

I have not told them he is a cross-dresser, though I am sure enough people know that it will be common knowledge in time.

People like to gossip about fallen heroes and that is what will happen to him —  ESPECIALLY to someone like him, who is very successful, has a reputation that makes him well known even internationally.

I finally gave up on the 21st year of our marriage. It was the seventh time he  promised he would stop cross-dressing and failed. It used to hurt me the first  three times it happened. We went to counseling so many times. I could not accept his behavior and he could not stop it. 

I loved him so much and could not understand why he would continue to do this, despite the fact that it hurt our marriage. Then I fell out of love with him. Can you imagine making love to someone who wore more makeup than you?

When I finally left, the children understood but he did not. He started to bad-mouth me, without sharing what really broke the camel’s back. I kept quiet through all his lies and persecution.

It is now three years since I left him, and he repeatedly asks me to get back together with him, promising he has changed. But I see his social media, hear stories from his so-called friends and know he hasn’t changed at all.

What should I do? 

Emma

Dear Emma,

Thank you for your email.

If I understand correctly, you left your husband because of his cross-dressing and his broken promises to stop. You then chose not to reveal that this was why you left him, which resulted in your family (other than your children) and friends not understanding why you brought your marriage to an end. Your question now is: What should I do?

It seems that while your husband’s cross-dressing was an issue, the fundamental reason your relationship broke down was the pattern of broken promises. 

Marriage is not easy at the best of times and a constant stream of hopes and expectations being dashed is likely to undermine anyone’s faith in its continuance. Your decision to leave was entirely reasonable and the answer to your question is that you should remain resolute in that decision. There is, after all, no sign that the leopard has changed his spots.

The matter of who you tell about the reasons for your decision is something else. You imply that your husband’s fondness for cross-dressing features in his social media postings and it is therefore reasonable to suppose it is now quite widely known among those who have access to those postings. This surely should ease the burden that you have taken on, namely to leave him but not explain why, thus opening yourself to criticism that you have deliberately allowed to remain unanswered.

Perhaps it is time to change your tune and tell the truth, at least to a limited number of those with whom you have close relationships. This will finally enable them to understand why you acted as you did and will no doubt lead to some relief from adverse comment on your part as well as counteract any further lies and persecution on his part.

With best wishes,

-JAF Baer

Dear Emma:

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with Mr .Baer’s response and I also agree with your not telling anyone else the reasons you left your husband. To do so would just be to open a can of worms with everybody who knew, probably telling “just this one person” despite having been sworn to secrecy. Then you would have everyone and his uncle share their opinion (educated or otherwise) with you. God, what a bore! Not to mention kakainis (pissy off-ie).

I also understand why you would be hurt about your parents and your siblings not understanding why you left the marriage. I think that perhaps the issue was not so much not “understanding” since there are many things we do that others do not — or refuse to — understand. It is as though they have forgotten you are a caring yet logical person, and you would have your own (good) reasons for doing so.

An example might be your husband’s not “understanding” how much his being a cross-dresser and all that went with it would change your viewing him as the same man you married.

Yes, yes, we all know that cross-dressing does not mean you are transgender or gay. It is also easy being objective about data you read about the concept of cross-dressing or even about loving someone close to you who cross-dresses.  

But the specific dynamics of your marriage makes/made it difficult for you to accept the way he cross-dressed. It seems he accepted this, thus his constant promises to stop doing it, and yet he seemed unable to do so.

SO…what are you to do? I would think go on as you have been: be a good person, gentle with others, including your children, your ex-husband, the rest of your family, your friends, and yourself.

All the very best, 

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

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