Conversations parents should have with their teens

The teenage years can be difficult for both parents and children as young people seek greater independence, build stronger friendships, and make decisions with less parental supervision.

Raising a teenager in Nigeria today is very different from how it was generations ago, when children were expected to obey without question.

Many Nigerian parents still focus mainly on school performance, house chores, obedience, and keeping their children away from bad company.

While these things are still important, young people are also dealing with quiet but serious questions about their identity and future careers.

One major challenge is that many teenagers are too afraid to bring these concerns into the family living room. Fear of harsh criticism, shouting, immediate punishment, or being dismissed with lectures often makes them keep quiet.

The United Nations Children’s Fund advises parents to listen actively to teenagers and validate their feelings, noting that dismissing their concerns can make them feel unheard, frustrated and alone.

A teenage educator and advocate, Tobi Sanya, said, “Parenting today cannot rely on intimidation or rigid authority alone. Fear might produce temporary compliance outside, but it will never build inner conviction. What anchors a teenager through these turbulent years is open communication, mutual respect, emotional safety, and guidance based on trust.”

She added that before expecting their children to be honest, parents must first create an environment where difficult and awkward questions can be asked.

“No shaming, no emotional outbursts, and no shutting down conversations simply because a topic makes you uncomfortable. Parents must stop assuming that silence means everything is fine,” Sanya said.

Here are themes parents should talk about:

On friendships

“Parents should have open conversations with teenagers about the people they spend time with and the kinds of relationships they are developing. Rather than simply asking teenagers to avoid certain friends, parents can discuss what makes a healthy friendship, including respect, trust, boundaries and mutual support,” Sanya advised.

Conversations about romantic relationships are also important as teenagers begin to develop an interest in dating. Parents can discuss respect and the importance of not allowing another person to pressure or control them.

Safety on social media

Social media and other digital platforms such as TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, X and Snapchat have exposed Nigerian teenagers to constant displays of great wealth, flashy lifestyles and pressure to look successful.

Sanya advised parents to ask, “What do you see online that makes you feel pressured to have more?” and “How do you know when something you see online is real?”

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She also recommended asking, “What would you do if someone online asked you for a private picture or personal information?”

“Parents should not wait for their child to fall victim to an online predator or cyberbullying before addressing their digital life; let them know you are their refuge, not their prosecutor,” Sanya advised.

Academic expectations

Academic expectations remain high in many Nigerian homes, with a strong focus on entrance examinations, UTME scores, WAEC results, and getting prestigious professional degrees.

A psychologist, Maria Davies, advised parents not to measure a child’s personal worth by their report card or examination grades.

She suggested questions such as, “What is worrying you the most right now?” or “Is there anything about school that is making you feel overwhelmed?” She also recommended asking, “Do you ever feel like you are disappointing me with your school performance?”

“High expectations should never come at the expense of your child’s emotional stability. Notice changes in sleep patterns, withdrawal, and unexplained sadness, and listen without judgment when they admit that they feel overwhelmed, and reassure them that their worth is not defined entirely by an exam result,” Davies advised.

Sex and boundaries

Sex remains a taboo subject in many households, and is often discussed only through serious warnings, threats of pregnancy, and family disgrace.

This culture of secrecy leaves teenagers vulnerable to misinformation, inappropriate online content and exploitation by predatory individuals who take advantage of their lack of knowledge.

Davies warned that parents should not allow awkwardness or traditional hesitation to stop them from having honest, age-appropriate conversations about physical intimacy and personal autonomy.

“Teenagers must understand bodily boundaries early, that ‘no’ is absolute, that manipulation is not affection, and that their bodies belong to them alone,” Davies said.

Peer pressure

At some point, every teenager will face situations where trying to fit in with friends directly conflicts with doing what is right.

“If you raise a child solely on fear of your anger, they will simply learn to lie better when temptation comes. Teach them internal conviction so that when you are not in the room, their conscience speaks louder than the crowd,” Davies added.